The National Enquirer claims in a Nov. 14 cover story that Chaz Bono will die within four years due to his gender transition. The corpse-to-be is perturbed. His lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to the tabloid, accusing it of defamation and demanding a printed retraction and apology.

According to the lawyer, the story asserts that “obesity, testosterone supplements and high suicide rates among transgender people all increase Chaz’s risk of an early death.”

As everybody this side of Carol Burnett knows, the National Enquirer doesn’t let truth get in the way of a fabulicious story. So, despite Bono’s threat to sue if the tabloid doesn’t apologize, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Enquirer instead continued to hound him by producing another cover story similar to the following:

“Chaz Bono: Trying to contact Sonny! Weekly Séances.”

“Chaz Bono misses his daddy — and how!”

The Enquirer has learned that Chaz, the transgender activist and recent “Dancing With the Stars” contestant, hosts séances in his home every Sunday night in a sad, touching attempt to contact his father Sonny Bono, the singer and politician who died tragically in 1998 when he slammed into a tree while skiing.

“The séances are weird, man. I go for the food,” said one insider who has attended three of these macabre gatherings where some 15 people assemble around a spooky table.

“We all hold hands while Madame Mertzola chants and groans and moans and stuff. I think she’s getting sort of frustrated. The last time she kept screaming ‘The beat goes on!’”

So far, said the insider, Sonny has not materialized, “although a couple of people thought they saw that tree he hit.”

Headstrong Chaz refuses to stop these whacky attempts to reach Sonny. The sad, distressing reason is he desperately wants to speak to his father about masculinity! “Y’know, now that Chaz is a dude and all, he wants guidance and stuff,” said the insider.

Dr. Scott Pitts, distinguished owner of a framed diploma from the Acme School of Transgender Mental Health, let the Enquirer in on a shocking fact: Transgender individuals are often drawn to the occult!

“I know one who owns a magic store. That’s good enough for me,” said the esteemed expert.

Cher, the mother of Chaz and ex-wife of Sonny, is baffled that Chaz wants advice on masculinity from his father. “Why Sonny? Most of the time I wore the bell bottoms in that relationship,” Cher told an insider, who told the Enquirer, which is telling you.

Oh, and remember how Cher sadly, desperately, had two ribs surgically removed to make her waist smaller? The Enquirer has learned that she plans to put them back in again! Inspired by Chaz’s efforts to be who he really is, Cher has bravely decided to return her rib cage to normal.

Meanwhile, all indications are the Sunday-night séances will carry on. The insider who attended three of the sad, heartbreaking events said Chaz has booked Madame Mertzola the medium through the end of the year.

“I’m not sure I’m going again,” the insider said. Chaz wants to change up the energy in the room, in case, y’know, any of us are keeping Sonny away. That’s cool with me. Last time when the lights went off, I got groped.”

The insider hopes Sonny appears, either in body or spirit. “Chaz is cool. He wants this bad. He deserves it. Can I have my check now?” : :