When Mozart said, “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between,” he must have had Tracey Logan in mind. In music, silence is commonly represented by a symbol known as “the rest.” For Logan, a self-identified introvert, the decision to share some of her life experiences with qnotes have provided us with insight into the woman she’s proud to have become.
Like many Carolinians, Logan is a northern transplant. Hailing originally from Pittsburgh, Pa., she’s lived many places but has called Mint Hill, N.C. (a suburb about 30 minutes outside of Charlotte), home for 10 years now. During those 10 years she’s discovered quite a bit about what it means to be Tracey Logan, including her identity as a pansexual.
“I’m pan, like my favorite pizza,” she said nonchalantly. Logan continued to explain, “It’s something I’m getting used to,” referring to the identifier. “I didn’t know it was a thing until I joined an LGBT group as an ally. I was talking to a friend, he’s gay and he mentioned how [being] gay is not a choice. I said it was and he said [again] it’s not. But for me, [my sexuality] has always been more of a connecting thing. Sometimes the connecting is with a guy and sometimes it isn’t. For me, it’s just about a person.
What brought you to Mint Hill?
My husband and I had been pretty much retired since our late 30s. I had just lost both my parents and almost my youngest child in Florida. I’d also been here before. Satan – the guy I married the second time – is from there. But this time around, I’d healed from so much of my past that it felt like home. Before that, I had lived all over the country. I think this is my eighth state and my 24th address. I’ve spent most of my adult life in Florida, though I did have four lovely years in Hawaii. It was with my ex, proving even paradise can be hell if you’re living with the wrong person.
Why so many moves?
I got married really young the first time and moved to Florida. When that didn’t work out, I moved to Georgia to be with the second idiot on the food chain. Then Virginia, then Washington State, then Honolulu and then back to Florida, Virginia, Pittsburg back to Florida and now North Carolina. It’s madness, it’s complete madness [laughs].
Are you currently partnered?
Yes, married. I have a nice guy, Marc. I had to import him from Scotland because the guys here suck [chuckles]. He’s the straight guy in the GMCC [Gay Men’s Chorus of Charlotte] group that sits next to me. We’ve been together for 18 years and married for 15. He’s my other best friend, and he’s great. He can make you laugh until you cry, literally. He has an amazing voice. He’s also a musician, and he’s the one who actually brought music back into my life. He gave me permission to sing when I couldn’t give myself permission. He’s the driving force when the self-doubt creeps up. He says, “You’re amazing – go do this.” My ex had [tearful pause]… would beat the living snot out of me if I’d sing, so I didn’t, for years.
Are you ok?
I’m mostly okay. This shit doesn’t usually get to me. I can’t change my past; I can just learn from it. So, if I can help just one person figure their shit out just a little quicker by telling it, it’s worth it.
What inspired you to sing for a chorus?
Before I came here, I didn’t sing. I homeschooled my kids and met another homeschooling mom [Tara Gricol] who sang. She convinced me to show up to an open rehearsal for One Voice Chorus. I cried on the way there; I cried during rehearsal and cried all the way home after. I am really introverted and very uncomfortable with being seen and heard.
I left One Voice last year and joined the Women’s Chorus of Charlotte in March and then the Gay Men’s Chorus of Charlotte in September.
When I first joined, I’d say, “Every team needs a mascot, and I’m funny.” I just couldn’t say the words, “I sing,” abuse had been that destructive to my esteem. At that time, I offered to help with some administrative duties with regards to getting our June concert ready. The first thing I noticed was the program. At the top it said, Tracey Logan, Chorus Manager. I thought, that’s a creative spelling of the word volunteer, but ok. After the show I asked John [John C. Quillin, Founding Artistic Director] if he’d be getting some people for the fall. He said, “I have you. You offered to help me. That’s like giving someone a kidney, you don’t get to take that back. You’re in this for good now.” If you know John, you know you can’t even make eye contact with the guy without falling head over heels in love with him. He’s absolutely amazing. So, when he asks you to do something, you just do it. Officially my job title is Chaos Coordinator for both groups, the Women’s Chorus of Charlotte & the Gay Men’s Chorus of Charlotte.
Tell us how a woman ends up a member of the Gay Men’s Chorus of Charlotte?
I have quite a range. I sing soprano 1 in the women’s group. I love it. The group is really good. It’s John Quillin so the music is amazing. It’s the best part of my Tuesdays. In the GMCC I sing Tenor 1, I’m the only girl in the room. So, for someone who doesn’t like to be seen or heard, it’s a whole thing. It’s the best part of my Mondays. And it’s not just singing. I send out all the emails, I hold hands. I love working with the men. I love working with both groups, but the funny thing is…fitting in versus belonging. It’s just ironic that the place that I thought that I’d have to fit in the most [with the men] is the place I feel most accepted. Women can be more competitive whereas the guys just accept. I feel less judged. The apples don’t compare themselves to me, an orange.
What does it mean for you to be part of the chorus?
It means everything. This group and its director have helped me to completely find my voice and become myself again and that is priceless.
Are there any upcoming shows readers can catch you performing in?
On Nov. 11 and 12 at St. John’s Baptist Church. It’s basically about angels in the sky and everything up there. If you can look up and see it, we’re singing about it. Then there’s the Christmas holiday show performance by the GMCC on Dec. 2 and 3 at St. Martin’s Episcopal Church.
When you’re not singing, what brings you joy?
Why would I not be signing? Am I sleeping? Is it like a mealtime, because even when I’m in the shower I still sing. I’m obnoxious about it though I still have anxiety about people hearing me. But my kids, my kids bring me joy. My kids are my whole world. They are 24, 22 and 10. That’s how I live on the edge.
What do you imagine yourself doing 10 years from now?
This. Exactly what I’m doing now. Singing with every group of John’s that I can. John said to me, “You thought you joined a chorus? Honey, you’ve joined a family.” And we are. Absolutely.
Looking back on it all, any final thoughts?
It’s never too late to start over and truly be the person that you are – on the inside. If I’d known that this stage of life would be this good, I would have raced to get here faster.