Dear Trinity,
I’ve heard people say, “Look at the bright side!” What could possibly be bright about bullying or being gay bashed or AIDS?
Brightless, Seattle, WA

Dear Brightless,
It’s been said that AIDS was not just a disease, but the cure for gay repression, putting gay people on the frontal lobe of human consciousness. The October 2010 “It Gets Better” campaign was the bright light from the dark outbreak of gay teen suicides, which even Obama got involved with and may save thousands of lives. Everything dark eventually sees some light. That is the cycle of life. Remember, sweetie, that which does not make you stronger will make you more creative!

Hey Trinity,
What do you think about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?”
Do Tell, Las Vegas, NV

Hey Do Tell,
There once was a time in history where gays fought (in tight uniforms) and won wars for dictators. The “Sacred Band of Thebes” were in 378 BCE a military band of 300 gay lovers brought together as a military unit. For many years, they lived, fought and were celebrated throughout Greece for their courage and military success. Hell, all the Spartans were homos too. So, pumpkin, thank God DADT is over. Now bring back all the “fabulous” Americans to fight for our country! (Hup, two, three, four! See my cartoon for advice and more.)

Dearest Trinity,
I just met this very sweet and a loving person who is already talking about getting married. I’ve only known him a few weeks and really don’t know how to deal with this?
Married Too Soon, Lincoln, NE

Dearest Too Soon,
It seems like sweet and loving people always bring up marriage somewhere between the second date and the second martini. These lovely, ethereal beings often forget that spraying their fantasies over a newly planted crop can often destroy what has not yet had time to blossom! Be kind, loving and honest while telling him “Wake up.” I mean, “Wait a while, honey!”

Hello Trinity,
I’ve been going out with the same person for three years, but lately everything’s turned weird! We fight, don’t sleep together and I think we’re becoming alcoholics. How do you know when your relationship becomes dysfunctional?
Confused, Minneapolis, MN

Hello Confused,
There comes a time or many times in a relationship where two (or more) people sit down and kill each other, I mean talk to each other about the “weird stuff!” So, baby, try reading:

Trinity’s Liberating Relationship Tips For Knowing When “It’s Turned Dysfunctional” (ITD)
1. When your live-in girlfriend hasn’t been home in weeks for more than a change of clothes and/or to leave the monthly car payment, ITD!
2. When he refuses to talk to any of your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors or your cat, then ITD!
3. When she starts bragging about having sex with your best friend, ITD!
4. When he beats you, only now and then, only when he’s drunk and only when he doesn’t have the rent money, then ITD!
5. When looking at your girlfriend makes you sick to your stomach and being touched by her leaves you crying to your therapist, ITD!
6. When you both sleep in separate bedrooms, have separate entrances and haven’t spent a Saturday night together in six months, guess what?
7. When she stops telling people she’s married to you, guess what again?
8. When he steals your TV, car, credit cards and he’s “wanted” in two states, but you “still love him,” wake up, darling, because ITD!
9. When she closes all joint bank accounts, finds a new lover, moves out and files for divorce, then not only has ITD, but it’s very over!
10. And, lastly, when your wife has another child that looks nothing like you, again, I hate to break the news to you, but ITD, at least in this book! : :

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was
host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama,
and now performs globally.

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