I’ve taken the liberty of composing New Year’s resolutions for individuals who are just too busy to do it themselves.
Newt Gingrich:
1. Lose weight.
2. Win the Republican nomination.
3. Win the presidential election.
4. Gloat.
Mitt Romney:
1. Win the Republican nomination.
2. Win the presidential election.
3. Sentence Newt Gingrich to Devil’s Island.
Herman Cain:
1. Land a gig on Fox.
2. See a marriage counselor with Gloria.
3. Find a new piece of chicken on the side.
Rick Santorum:
1. Lose the Republican nomination.
2. Sulk.
Michele Bachmann:
1. Win the Republican nomination.
2. If that fails, angle for the vice-presidential nomination.
3. Confront Marcus once and for all.
4. Introduce legislation removing all gay people to Key West — at least Marcus will be warm.
Marcus Bachmann:
1. Reconcile my faith, my orientation and my choices.
2. Not.
Rick Perry:
1. Burn the jacket I wore in the antigay video.
2. Remain firmly ignorant about everything.
Ron Paul:
1. Lose the Republican nomination.
2. Declare Houston a new libertarian nation.
3. Deny foreign aid to Dallas.
Jon Huntsman:
1. Come from behind, way behind, and win the Republican nomination.
2. Failing that, accept a cabinet post — in the Obama administration.
Fred Karger:
1. Be denied entry to the Republican National Convention.
2. Lose the Republican nomination.
3. Start planning for 2016.
Sarah Palin:
1. Get Todd his own reality show on snowmobile racing.
2. Win the Arizona Senate seat.
3. See Russia from Scottsdale.
Donald Trump:
1. Convince the world I’m the most important person in it.
Barack Obama:
1. Recapture the White House.
2. Work on my place in history.
3. Resume smoking, no matter what Michelle says.
Michelle Obama:
1. Campaign like crazy.
2. Urge America to support Iraq veterans.
3. Rotate my crops.
Bo Obama:
1. Locate an irreplaceable White House antique and eat it.
John Boehner:
1. Do my part to get a Republican in the White House.
2. Perfect my tan so Sports Illustrated has to ask me to model in the swimsuit issue.
Barney Frank:
1. Serve effectively in Congress until my final term in finished.
2. Try not to laugh when people suggest I lead the HRC.
Tammy Baldwin:
1. Win Wisconsin’s tough Senate race.
2. Publicly downplay that I’m the first openly gay U.S. Senator.
3. Privately tingle all over.
Angela Merkel:
1. Save the European Union.
2. Vacation anywhere but Greece.
Pope Benedict XVI:
1. Continue leading the Church backwards.
2. Convince God I’m too valuable to be
called home.
Grethe Cammermeyer:
1. Make sure certain persons know I’m available to serve on the Joint Chiefs.
Steve Jobs:
1. Reveal to the world that my consciousness now resides in Apple’s latest product, the iMback.
Kim Kardashian:
1. Become a spokesperson for gay marriage rights, even if they don’t want me.
Chaz Bono:
1. Appear on several reality shows.
2. Question reality.
Tinky Winky:
1. Haunt Rick Perry by being Photoshopped in with him as often as possible.
Jerry Sandusky:
1. Go down fighting.
2. Go down lying.
Ian McKellen:
1. As “The Hobbit” is edited, check to make sure I’m not being upstaged by Bofur, Bifur and Bombur.
Jane Lynch:
1. Write another book.
2. Host more awards shows.
3. Star in “Glee” and appear in other shows.
4. Continue doing ads.
5. Throw in a movie.
6. Avoid a nervous breakdown.
info: lesarobinson@gmail.com . generalgayety.com
