On HIV infection: ‘If you’re going to be sexually active, get on some kind of PrEP as soon as you can.’
Each of us has a different life journey. That can be contingent on a variety of decisions we make and general happenstance.
Perhaps you were born into a progressive family that had no hard line, cut and dry boundaries on religion, which allowed you the opportunity to explore your identity at a young age. Or, you grew up in a regimented environment, steeped in religious beliefs. Both cases would impact a person’s life path, but in dramatically different ways.
Michael Johnson’s life began with a very religious family in a small Virginia town just across the border from North Carolina. They believed it was appropriate to indoctrinate him into the same philosophical belief system that was handed down to them from their parents. This isn’t uncommon. Many people who are devout believe there is no room for questioning or disputing aspects of their religion, although they might question many other topics.
Johnson is gay. His real name is not Michael Johnson, and he agreed to speak with us only under the condition that his true identity would not be revealed.
He has always known that he liked other males. Even as a young boy he was aware of the crushes he had on other boys around his same age, while most of his male friends were interested in girls.
The religious teachings that his parents had spoon fed him practically since birth led him to the conclusion that his thoughts and desires were somehow wrong. That carried over into his young adult life, when he married a woman and the two became deeply involved with a Baptist Church. Eventually they even made the decision to travel and spread their beliefs through a Christian missionary program.
“I knew through all of this that I was a gay man,” Johnson recalls. “I just thought that if I held on to my faith and devoted myself to church life and a family, the feelings would eventually go away. They didn’t.”
Still, Johnson persisted.
He had two children with his wife. He continued to share a life with her for nearly two decades, although there was a gnawing reminder in the back of his mind that the world never felt quite right and he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. That began to take a toll on him, his wife, the relationship and the family.
Johnson loved his wife. But he knew he wasn’t “in love” with her, and he loved and cared deeply for the two children their union had created, but he was miserable. He began to disassociate from the family, and they began to notice. No one was happy.
For most gay men, their 20s and 30s are a time when they’re becoming comfortable with their sexual orientation and are out exploring the world. That means getting to know other gay men, experiencing their own culture, romance and sexual exploration.
That wasn’t the case for Johnson. He had no frame of reference for LGBTQ+ culture whatsoever. In the life he had at the time, he began to pull away from his family and the church that once meant so much to him as he sank into a deep, dark depression.
“I was pretty damn miserable,” he recalls. “I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t know how to get there. I wanted sexual experiences, and I wanted a relationship with one man I felt connected to. But I felt an obligation to the woman I had married and the family we had created.
“I reached a point where I realized I couldn’t be what I had been taught and what everyone else wanted me to be, and I couldn’t have or be what was genuinely reflective of who I am. I couldn’t find a resolution.”
Johnson says at that point he decided the only way he could escape was by ending his existence. At the age of 44, he attempted suicide. Fortunately, he was found by his wife after taking an overdose of pills and was rushed to the hospital in time to save his life.
“I don’t remember much after taking the pills,” he says. “I just remember waking up later in the hospital and she was there, looking concerned and wanted to know what was wrong. Why did I try to take my own life?
“I couldn’t be dishonest with her anymore. She saved my life and I wanted to give her back the chance to find happiness on her own or with someone else. I wasn’t going to be able to give that to her. So I told her.
“She was devastated. She was angry. She hated me. She said some really awful things, but I realized that I had robbed her of the future she had envisioned.” Johnson’s wife wanted out of the relationship immediately and requested full custody of the children with no visitation. She also wanted Johnson out of their house right away.
He was agreeable, but deeply saddened by the fact he would not be allowed contact with his children. With no family support and no place to go, Johnson moved into a residential hotel, where he would stay for the next few months.
While he was free to live his life the way he wanted to, he found himself sinking even further into depression, despite the freedom. “Even though the times were hard when I was with my wife I never found myself drowning in self-pity,” he recalls. “But being there alone, it was very sad and I self-medicated with alcohol, drugs and a lot of unsafe sexual encounters.
“I didn’t realize that there was this LGBTQ world out there. I didn’t know there were places where I could go socialize and meet other people like myself. The sheltered life I had led never exposed me to those things.”
For Johnson, gay life was internet hookups, relatively anonymous sexual encounters and partying with people he barely knew in a hotel room. Within just a matter of months following the split from his wife, Johnson found out he was HIV positive.
“I know it’s hard to believe, but I was faithful to my wife while I was with her. I didn’t have sexual encounters with anyone else during our relationship at all. I had a few experiences before we were married, but that all stopped when we began to share our life together.”
Johnson has always been proactive about his health and routinely had physical exams. “It’s something I think is important. Especially if you’re sharing your life with someone else. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for them. I had never tested positive before, so I knew that I was infected after I left my wife.”
Not surprisingly, Johnson’s diagnosis came back after simple routine blood tests that he had many times before. He points to his lack of knowledge about HIV, safer sex practices and PrEP medications, all things that could have prevented him from becoming HIV-positive.
“Initially I was scared. Really scared. I was single and I felt very much alone. The little bit of information I had about HIV and AIDS was based on stuff I had learned when I was very young. It was frightening and dark and the equivalent of a death sentence back then.”
Fortunately for Johnson, he had a physician who was extremely helpful. His doctor was aware his patient hadn’t come out until later in life and, with a recently discovered positive diagnosis, needed to be educated about what kind of treatments are available in the 21st century.
Johnson also found a therapist. Someone who was able to help guide him around the guilt imposed upon him by his religious family members; the guilt he felt for ending the relationship with his wife and the compounded feelings of depression and shame he experienced over his newly found positive HIV status.
“I knew the kind of gay life I was experiencing wasn’t what I wanted,” he explained. “I wanted to share my life with someone. I wanted to experience real love. And all I could think was, now that I’m a positive middle-aged man, who is going to want me? I spent all these years trying to be something everyone else wanted and when I finally got the courage to find myself, I got infected. I was convinced I would never have what I wanted and that I gave up everything for nothing.”
Although Johnson is HIV positive, it was an early diagnosis for him. His viral load was low, but not undetectable, and his immune system was largely unaffected.
In the years that have passed since that time, Johnson has found a sense of self-esteem he had not experienced before. Through a healthy dose of therapy and medication he has come to terms with his sexual orientation and his HIV status.
“My viral load is undetectable now and my immune system remains healthy. I can experience sex and romance and not worry about infecting anyone else. And I didn’t have to throw away my faith, my perception of it has evolved. I think that’s mostly because I found a church that was welcoming and affirming.
“But I’m not going to lie,” he explained. “I wish I had found the inner strength to come out earlier in life and to know what I should have done differently not to end up in this situation. Physically, I am fine, but I will be taking medication, of some sort, the rest of my life.
“And that’s one thing I am adamant about. Most people know their sexual orientation, at least by their teen years. Own it, embrace it and be yourself. Don’t wait like I did. It doesn’t hurt just you. It hurts other people, too.
“If you’re going to be sexually active, get on some kind of PReP as soon as you can. If you’re already infected or suspect that you are get tested and get on the medication that works right for you so you can live a normal life.”
Despite the challenges he faced, Johnson came out at the end of a long dark tunnel to eventually find what he was looking for.
“I’m married again, but this time to a man. We live in a great neighborhood here in Charlotte that’s very welcoming. And I’m fortunate enough that we’re a good match.
“An evolving romance, shared interests and someone to come home to who loves you. What more could you ask for in life?” ::