Dear Trinity,
I love your column very much, however sometimes I need advice right away. My friends always have advice, but you know how that goes. Sometimes, I just need objective advice like yours, but immediately?
Needing Advice, Norfolk, Va.

Dear Needing Advice,
Often the very needy ask advice from their bartender, neighborhood ice cream man or call the psychic network. Others, a bit wiser go to professional counselors, social workers or doctors. Yet, paying for advice still doesn’t guarantee the best answer. In the end, advice is exactly what it is — advice, not the holy word or the last word. So, always try to take your time; get advice from as many professionals as you can afford; do what feels right in your heart, even if it sounds crazy; stay away from people claiming the right answer; and, lastly, always be accepting of your mistakes — especially, sweetie, if you didn’t get the advice from me!

Dearest Trinity,
After I found out my husband cheated on me, I was so upset I wanted to castrate him. I know an “eye for an eye” is wrong, but it was normal to want some sort of revenge. I want him to know the hurt he caused me! What should I do?
Wanting Revenge, Washington, D.C.

Dearest Revenge,
Yes “an eye for an eye” is wrong, however, an eye for “a little eye opening” may prove to be equally as satisfying. The most important thing to remember, pumpkin, when “paying someone back” is to keep it practical, legal and full of important lessons. When I need to teach my lover a lesson instead of “giving it to him” I “take it away from him” where it counts the most, in the bedroom and in the kitchen. (I can show you how I do it in my cartoon.)

Hey Trinity,
Whenever I go out on a date I worry about everything, and I mean everything! Help?
Worrisome, Tucson, Ariz.

Hey Worrisome,
Being nervous on a date is like being nervous on an airplane flight. So, keep breathing, no coffee or stimulants, no fantasizing about catastrophes and, lastly, honey, drink a glass of wine before and during your flight, I mean your date. It helps calm your nerves and loosen you up.

Hey Trinity,
Understanding sex and exploring my sexuality is challenging enough, but trying to understand the different fetishes hurts. Do you have some insight into fetishism?
Fetish-ly Frustrated, Chicago, Ill.

Hey FF,
Since you know that fetishism means “worshiping or having blind adoration for an ‘object’ that gives you excessive ‘sexual’ pleasure or stimulation…” then, baby, why don’t you read:

Trinity’s Tight List Of 15 Possible Fetishes
1. Animals — i.e. gerbils, goats, donkeys and sheep.
2. Body Accessories — including jewelry, belts, gloves, hats, sox and footwear.
3. Body Alterations — piercing, tattoos, scars and amputees.
4. Body Fluids — urine, spit, sweat and feces.
5. Body Parts — including feet, hands, armpits, breasts, buttocks and genitalia.
6. Body Tortures — through biting, pinching, burning, slapping, spanking, whipping, electricity and breath controlling.
7. Body Types — width, height, age, hairy, smooth, muscular or naturally built, nerdy, androgynous, masculine, feminine, racial or ethnic.
8. Dressing Up — in leather, rubber, plastic, vinyl, lingerie, drag or uniforms (especially military, white or blue collar, athletic, medical or religious apparel).
9. (Using) Devices — such as clothespins, clamps, handcuffs, gags, weights or masks.
10. Hair or Lack Of — body hair, facial hair or hairstyles.
11. Life’s Extra Pleasures — i.e. foods, perfumes or scents and cigars.
12. Pornography — such as videos and magazines.
13. S&M: Aggressive Activities — such as domination, bondage and verbal abuse.
14. S&M: Passive Activities — such as submission, being bound or kept.
15. Lastly, used Undergarments (including those from an unknown person) — wearing, smelling, feeling and seeing. (If I missed any “sit down” and email me. “Did I make myself clear Daddy!”)

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.
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