Dearest Trinity,
After eight years, my boyfriend and I get along in every way except sexually. See, I’m not a bottom, yet 100 percent of the time he only wants to top me. So, I’ve been “taking it” for eight years with nothing in return. Basically, I’m married to my hand. And, complaining about it only makes him horny. Help!
Bottomed Out, San Diego, CA

Dearest Bottomed Out,
It’s hard to teach an old relationship new tricks, unless you start tricking him. So, lets try offering him a (before bed) back (and butt) massage for 15 minutes before adding some hugs and kisses to his neck, ears and to his butt. Then, slowly start jumping, I mean humping him while massaging him. If he likes the massage, he may let you get away with some between the cheeks action. Otherwise, honey, after eight years of pillow biting, it’s time to either accept it, find a part-time playmate or find a full-time new mate who has your pleasures on his mind not just on your behind!

Dear Trinity,
I work in a bar, have been single for most of my 35 years and now I am dating someone who wants monogamy. But, monogamy for me is new. What do I do?
Monoaga… Me?, Dallas, TX

Dear Monoaga… Me?,
Depending on your upbringing and sexual history, monogamy is easy for some and torturous for the rest of us. However, if you stick with it, you will find that the lessons of self-respectfulness often surpass the pleasures of cheating. Monogamy has two rules: look, don’t touch and take it one day at a time! Some succeed, some fail and everyone else, pumpkin, just shuts their mouth about their mistakes (hint, hint)! (Get more hints when you read my cartoon.)

Hey Trinity,
Three weeks ago I got dumped. Now, I’m starting to see a few guys. Is it wrong to “rebound” (date right after a breakup) so fast?
Back In Action, Montreal, QC

Hey Back In Action,
Soon after a breakup it’s actually healthy to get right back into the ring of “rebound” dating (think rebounding off of the ropes in a boxing ring)! When one is dumped, sweetie, it’s best to suffer for no more than two weeks, then let the games re-begin!

Hello Trinity,
I met someone special from another state. Any tips on long distance relationships?
Far From Heaven, Chicago, IL

Hello Far From Heaven,
Long distance relationships have their troubles, darling, but if you really must try it then start by reading:

Trinity’s Positive Tips For Long Distance Relationships
1. You’ll not only have someone special to spend time with but you’ll also have your own private time, too.
2. You’ll be able to keep your own place as clean as you like until she or he comes to mess it up.
3. You’ll have all week long to do anything you like when he or she is gone. Couples who live together don’t have this luxury.
4. You’ll have more romantic dates together as well as honeymoon-styled weekends, which also wouldn’t be the case if you lived together.
5. You’ll never get tired of seeing each other since it’s not everyday.
6. You’ll always be going on some sort of trip or vacation together, especially if you meet in different exotic places.
7. You won’t have to groom, shower, wash your hair or brush your teeth as often since no one will see or smell you as often.
8. You won’t have to answer to, be responsible for or pick up after someone on a daily basis. (Hey, this doesn’t sound so bad.)
9. You’ll rarely have to fight over decor, TV shows, radio stations, houseguests or lighting. (Wow, this really sounds great!)
10. Lastly, you’ll be able to learn about your own selfishness, self-righteousness and self-control. (Well, maybe that’s taking it a bit too far.) : :

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

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