Dearest Trinity,

A year and a half ago my boyfriend left me with no explanation; he wouldn’t even return my phone calls or answer his door. Then he moved. Fast forward to a year later with his new boyfriend on his arm, he returns. I like his new boyfriend, but I still never got closure. Now I have their number. Should I call?

Wounded & Wondering, Green Bay, WI

Dearest Wounded & Wondering,

Men are selfish, boring, overbearing animals and no lame excuse will ever right his dirty dumping wrongs. However, whether he was running from the law or himself, it was a year ago and any lame answer won’t change your life today! So let’s fast-forward to you. What do you need to self-empower yourself again, a new boyfriend, a new job, a new outfit? Sweetie, it’s totally time to move on and stop playing Patty Labelle’s “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” However, if it’s “closure” you need, then closure you deserve. So, “calmly” call him and ask for an explanation. But then… move on!

Love, Trinity

Hello Trinity,

I’m dating someone who is so sweet and so nice, but I’m so not into her. I’m terrible at dumping someone. Help!

Working The Dump, Buffalo, NY

Hello Working The Dump,

It’s awful making someone feel bad and even more frustrating figuring out how to do it. But, Honey, if it’s not working you MUST not waste her time or yours. The six rules for dumping someone are: be clear, be present, be compassionate, do it privately in a public place, never dump by phone or email (after the fourth week) and be far away from any glass, guns or moving vehicles!

Good Luck, Trinity 

Dear Trinity,

It was just after five months when I got handed a list of why the relationship isn’t working, why it’s my fault, and why it has to end. Trinity, why is it always the “other person’s” fault?

The List, Louisville, KY

Dear List,

In most sour relationships it’s always the other person’s fault. Welcome to the dating game. Now, Pumpkin, after you rise from the shock, copy this list and send it to them.

Trinity’s 99 Ridiculous Reasons For Why It’s My Fault

And Not Yours That The Relationship Didn’t Work

 1. (8) Because “I wasn’t ENOUGH,” i.e., smart, masculine, talkative, quiet, feminine, cute, funny or wealthy enough.

 2. (8) Because “I wasn’t SUPPORTIVE ” with your addictions to: drinking, drugging, working, shoplifting, promiscuity, cruising, steroids or the gym.

 3. (9) Because “I didn’t like LISTENING to your” music, TV, singing, snoring, complaining, bird chirping, burping or your constant chatting on the phone and internet.

 4. (10) Because “I didn’t like the SMELL of your” breath, food, cologne, laundry detergent, shampoo, incense, dog, cat, snake or your constant flatulence.

 5. (16) Because “I didn’t know how to DEAL WITH your never-ending” depression, antidepressants, mood swings, hypochondria, paranoia, split personality or your ten other emotional disorders.

 6. (6) Because “I didn’t PUSH you hard enough to give up” your smoking habit, your lousy job, your credit card problems, your eating disorder, your multi-tasking or your need to be controlled.

 7. (7) Because “I didn’t like GOING WITH you” to the church, the bars, the casino, expensive dinners, traveling, shopping or to your mother’s house every Shabbat.

 8. (6) Because “I kept LECTURING you on” being late, being judgmental, being rude, being disrespectful, being sloppy and for swearing so goddamn much.

 9. (25) Because “I wouldn’t LET you” eat ice cream for dinner, french fries for breakfast, chocolate cake for lunch or the twenty-two other unhealthy things that you and your doctor keep saying will kill you.

10. (4) Lastly, because “I WOULDN’T” do the right things, feel the right feelings, wear the right clothes or “spread ‘em” just the right way when you demanded me to. : :

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com.

Send emails to: trinity@telltrinity.com.

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