Poor Rick Warren. After President-elect Obama selected the evangelical minister to deliver the invocation at his inauguration, gays and liberals kicked up a ruckus. I bet the California megachurchster hasn’t had a moment to think about what he’ll say to America and the world on that cold January day in Washington, D.C.

I’ve taken it upon myself to help. What follows are several possible invocations I’ve whipped up on behalf of the Rev. Warren. He can use whichever one he likes best. I’m not fussy.

First invocation option: We ask God’s blessing on this most historic day. For this is the day that America fulfills its promise of opportunity for all. Lord, we know it has not always been so. Our nation has been guilty of the sins of bigotry and discrimination. Many good men and women have been held back, defeated, prevented from contributing for purely base reasons.

But on this day we all gather to celebrate the historic elevation of one man to a position of rare prominence and importance. He is a man, Lord, who is marked by wisdom and conviction and compassion. We thank you for touching him with greatness.

This man, oh God, is…me! I get to give the invocation! I’ve made it to the top! Eat your hearts out, Billy and Franklin Graham! The gig doesn’t belong to your family anymore! Oh, and God, do me a favor and look out for what’s-his-name who’s becoming president.

Second invocation option: As we gather here today, let’s thank God for our country, our leaders, and above all, our democracy. In a democracy citizens disagree. We have different opinions and we’re free to express them.

The man we’re inaugurating today knows that a goodly portion of America’s citizens did not vote for him. But, he has pledged from the beginning to be everybody’s president. He has a rare talent for bringing together people of different views to work for a common cause. Barack Obama truly is a uniter.

Folks, look at his decision to have me offer the invocation today. Gays are livid because I fought for Prop. 8 and a bunch of conservative Christians have bugs up their butts because they think I’m an opportunist. Both sides are pissed. If that’s not uniting people, I don’t know what is.

Third invocation option: God of all people, we humbly ask you to bless the citizens of this nation. We come together today as Americans, each and every one of us. We put aside our differences to celebrate what makes America great, the orderly, peaceful transition of power from one administration to the next. Lord, that transition makes this day the perfect example of true democracy.

My being here today is another darn good example of democracy in action. If you were listening, Lord, you just heard me mention differences. Take a gander at these facts: Homosexuals helped get the new guy elected and I believe gay marriage is right up there with polygamy and incest, but here I am anyway! I helped lead the fight to take away gays’ civil right to marry, but here I am anyway! I believe that even if homosexuality is biological, gays should just squelch it their entire lives, but here I am anyway! You and democracy both work in mysterious ways.

The new president wanted me here to let religious conservatives know his administration won’t ignore them. Gays see me as a slap in the face. I’m a symbol to both sides. Blessed are the symbols, for they shall wine and dine in D.C.

Lord, is this a great country or what? Amen.

info: LesRobinsn@aol.com . www.GeneralGayety.com