Remembering a lost loved one during Suicide Prevention Month

Eternity Philops, born July 25, 1983, left us September 7, 2024.

Earlier this week I came across a social media post that appeared to indicate the mother of a friend had died. At least that’s how it read to me. After all, the alternative was too difficult to conceive; my friend was only 41 and had no acute or chronic physical ailment I knew of.

So I re-read the post about three times and then frantically tried to call the poster and anyone else I knew who could verify this dreaded news.

During all the reading, scrolling and calling, the blurring sounds of live television played in the background of my bedroom, which suddenly seemed void of light. When a voice answered one of my numerous verification calls, a television commercial simultaneously blared a message that was frighteningly clear.

The message in the television ad?

Dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. With that, horrible irony ensued. It was my friend who had passed away, not her mother. An additional search of their social media made it clear what had occurred as I read timed posts, one personal epitaph stating their plans to end their own life and another expressing how giving their best wasn’t enough.

The television’s sound became inaudible again. I could no longer hear much of anything but my own sobbing in disbelief, helplessness, anger and grief. I was already well aware that September is Suicide Prevention Month and I wasn’t prepared for this tragedy to reify its importance.

Eternity Philops was so much to so many. To me and for me, Eternity was a friend, my first yoga instructor, a fellow academician with a shared major and graduate degree in Gender, Sexuality and Women’s studies, a poet, creative, a self-described “dope ass muthaphukkah,” the photographer who took the head shot that appears with all my QNotes articles, and the subject of one of my earliest columns with Qnotes, Our People. You can read more about Eternity here.

Despite my overwhelming sense of loss, this article isn’t entirely about death, grief and the passing of Eternity. It’s also about life, healing and hope. Every year, every month, every day, someone in emotional or psychological distress decides they cannot go on. In the LGBTQ+ community, especially with our youth – these rates are even more prominent and disheartening. According to The Trevor Project, suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people 10-14 with LGBTQ youth being four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers. The project’s most recent data [2023] estimates more than 1.8 million LGBTQ youth (13-24) seriously consider suicide annually with at least one attempt every 45 seconds.

There is so much to be examined and argued in what accounts for these rates: social media, mental health issues, lack of acceptance, unhealed trauma, feelings of isolation, etc. What has a clear and definitive impact on this issue is the increased discrimination, disadvantage and disparity that can be created through intersectionality. Existing research points to greater risks for LGBTQ+ youth of color.

Equally important to mention: this is not an issue merely involving our youth. The CDC reports that when it comes to gender, the suicide rate among males in 2022 was approximately four times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 50 percent of the population, but nearly 80 percent of suicides. Their data goes on to show, by age, in 2022 seniors 85 and older had the highest rates of suicide in the United States at 23 percent, though numbers for those 25 – 84 years old didn’t lag too far behind with a less than a seven percent difference.

And now for the hope and healing; because it does exist and someone reading this needs to be reminded. Needing help is not a weakness, it’s a survival tool. A good cry can sometimes be quite cleansing and offer the ability to recharge. And sometimes, a nonjudgmental listening ear is all that’s needed to assist someone in simply making it through to the next day.

I know you’re busy and life is stressful at some point for us all. But we’re essentially pack animals and. no matter how technology and automation may progress, as humans, we need each other. My friend Eternity was big on calling out the unhealthy aspects of an “always grinding” mentality rooted in success through capitalism, and I agree. Grinding most often creates friction, while hugs can create safety and warmth. To that end, the triennial theme for World Suicide Prevention month for 2024-26 is “Changing the Narrative on Suicide,” with the call to action “Start the Conversation.” This theme aims to raise awareness about the importance of reducing stigma and encouraging open conversations to prevent suicides. That said, it is my hope that you will take this theme to heart and challenge yourself to start a conversation and listen to your friends and loved ones more intentionally.

In the event you find yourself in a place of need and someone to talk to, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline can be reached in multiple ways. You can connect via phone by dialing 988. Their website features text chat and ASL communication. The website reminds visitors they understand that life’s challenges can sometimes be difficult. Whether you’re facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, alcohol or drug use concerns, or just need someone to talk to, caring counselors are there for you. You are not alone. Also important, the site is not purely designed for those contemplating suicide, but also for friends and loved ones who may feel they have run out of options to assist someone in distress.

Life can be rough, sometimes seemingly too much to bear. Be gentle with yourself today, and for our Eternity.

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