Dear Trinity,
I’m a drag queen who competes in pageants. Some of the other queens are evil to me for some reason. Is it me?
Drag Dramas, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Dear Drag Dramas,
I think it’s time I read you, “A Drag Queen’s Tale.” Long ago on a small island ruled by drag queens and their admirers, there lived the talented Lovely Lovely. One day she/he entered a pageant with Hatefully Yours, the island’s most evil queen. But, because everyone was so jealous, no one told Lovely Lovely just how evil Hatefully Yours could be. One stormy pageant night Hatefully Yours replaced Lovely Lovely’s lip-sync CD of “When Love Takes Over” to “Bad to the Bone.” To make a long pageant short, Hatefully Yours won and was flown to Las Vegas for an International Pageant. Lovely Lovely who lost was flown to a drag rehab clinic in Hollywood, Calif., where she met and married Moses, a rich, Jewish, gay doctor and they lived happily ever after. Unfortunately, while Hatefully Yours was in Vegas her hotel room caught fire, destroyed all her drag and was never able to compete again. So, remember, pumpkin, “It’s not important as to why someone is nasty, but rather who in the end marries the rich doctor.”
Hey Trinity,
I want to go to my first circuit party. What should I expect?
Circuit Wonders, LA, CA
Hey Circuit Wonders,
Circuit parties are full of really cute, hunky and happy guys. There are often drugs and alcohol and lots of famous DJs. Plus, there’s usually a theme where people dress up in costumes or single-colored outfits, i.e., Montreal’s Black & Blue and Miami’s Winter (White) Party. Have fun, but, darling, be aware. If the eye candy doesn’t kill you the drugs just may. (Keep from being dazed and confused. See my cartoon for a little insight on how I deal with the party scene.)
Hello Trinity,
My new boyfriend invited me to go with him on a business trip to Alaska. When he discovered my matching earmuffs, mittens, boots and coat, he sweetly asked me to “upscale” my wardrobe. What should I do?
Wardrobe Woes, Madison, WI
Hello Wardrobe Woes,
Love means compromising, not accessorizing. Matching winter outfits work great at the Antarctica gay Pride parade, but for everywhere else a nice leather or tweed, long or short jacket over anything smart, will entice him into inviting you on more trips. Remember, honey, simple (and I mean simple), but stylish scarves, hats and clothes can promise you’ll see the world with him. Lastly, forget loud patterns on business trips. It trips out the businessmen.
Dearest Trinity,
I recently got laid off again. I have some money saved, but I’m bored to death. What now?
Jobless, Seattle, WA
Dearest Jobless In Seattle,
Not to worry my lazy, I mean, lost child, here’s,
Trinity’s Smart Tips For What To Do Once You’ve Been Laid Off
1. Volunteer for a religious group, soup kitchen, retirement home or a political campaign.
2. Travel, visit friends or family, go to museums, concerts or cultural events and enjoy this time off.
3. Take classes in American history, art history, world history or the history of how you keep getting laid off.
4. Pack some bags and move to a new location. Turn this challenge into an adventure.
5. Clean out your basement, closet or garage and have a yard sale or work the flea markets.
6. Start a hobby like painting, drawing, sculpting or making art from the junk you discovered while cleaning out your house.
7. Put down the antidepressants, get on the internet and look for a full-time J.O.B.!
8. Join a gym, take a yoga class or join an athletic group, i.e., hiking, baseball or (job) hunting.
9. But, don’t start exercising your addictions for drugs, sex or becoming a couch potato!
10. Become an advice columnist, writer, comedian, actor and recording artist. It worked for me!
info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.