I’m a drag queen who competes in pageants. So many of the queens are so evil to me for some reason. Is there hope for a nice queen?
Drag Dramas, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Dear Drag Dramas,
Let me read you, “A Drag Queen’s Tale.” Long ago on a small island ruled by drag queens and their admirers, there lived the talented Nicely Nicely. One day she entered a pageant with Hatefully Yours, the island’s most evil queen. But because everyone was so jealous, no one told Nicely Nicely just how evil Hatefully Yours could be. One stormy, pageant night Hatefully Yours switched out Nicely Nicely’s lip-sync CD just before she hit the stage. To make a long pageant short, Hatefully Yours won and was flown to Las Vegas for an International Pageant. Nicely Nicely, who lost, was flown to a rehab clinic in West Hollywood, Calif. where she met and married Moses, a rich, Jewish, gay doctor, and they lived happily ever after. Unfortunately, while Hatefully Yours was in Vegas, her hotel room caught fire, destroyed all her CD’s, makeup and drag, and she was never able to recover again. So remember, pumpkin, “It’s not as important why someone is nasty but rather who, in the end, marries the doctor.”
When this pandemic is over, I want to go to my first circuit party. What should I expect?
Sincerely, Circuit Wonders, LA, CA
Hey Circuit Wonders,
Circuit parties are full of really cute, hunky and “happy” guys. There are often drugs and alcohol and lots of famous DJ’s. Plus, there’s usually an outfit or color theme, i.e., Montreal’s Black & Blue and Miami’s Winter (White) Party. Have fun, but, darling, be aware that if the eye candy doesn’t kill you the drugs just may. (Oy! So many men, so much trouble one can get into. Check out my cartoon for some guidance!)
My new boyfriend invited me to go with him on a business trip to Alaska. When he discovered my matching earmuffs, mittens, boots and coat, he sweetly asked me to “upscale” my wardrobe. What should I do?
Yours, Wardrobe Woes, Madison, WI
Hello Wardrobe Woes,
Love means compromising, not accessorizing. Matching winter outfits work great at the annual Antarctica Gay Pride Ice Parade, but for everywhere else a nice leather, tweed or lamb skin jacket, over anything smart, will entice him into inviting you on more trips. Remember, honey, simple (and I mean simple) but stylish scarves, hats and gloves can promise you’ll see the world with him. Lastly, forget loud patterns on business trips, it trips out the straight businessmen.
Good luck, Trinity
I recently got laid off again thanks to COVID-19. I have some money saved, but I’m bored to death. What now?
Jobless, Seattle, WA
Dearest Jobless In Seattle,
Besides signing up for unemployment, sweetie, here’s:
Trinity’s Smart Tips For What To Do Once You’ve Been Laid Off
1. VOLUNTEER for a religious group, soup kitchen, retirement home or a political campaign.
2. VISIT and social distance with friends or family, go to museums, virtual concerts or cultural events and enjoy this time off.
3. TAKE online classes in American history, art history, world history or the history of how you keep getting laid off.
4. MOVE to a new location. Turn this challenge into an adventure.
5. CLEAN out your basement, closet or garage and have a yard sale.
6. Start a HOBBY like painting, drawing, sculpting or making art from the junk you discovered while cleaning out your place.
7. PUT DOWN the anti-depressants, get on the Internet and LOOK for a full-time J.O.B.!
8. JOIN a gym, get a yoga teacher or join a “post COVID-19 vaccine” athletic group, i.e., hiking, baseball or (job) hunting.
9. But DON’T start exercising your addictions for drugs, sex or becoming a couch potato!
10. Lastly, BECOME an advice columnist, writer, comedian, actor and recording artist. It worked for me!
With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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