Dear Trinity,
Everything, including sex with my lover, couldn’t be better with one exception: he wants me to defecate on him. Despite my refusals, he persists, but I’m afraid if I don’t satisfy his “dirty pleasures” he’ll seek it somewhere else. Help?
Dirty Pleasures, Boston, Mass.

Dear Dirty Pleasures,
You can simply ignore his shitty desires (Sorry, I had to say the “S” word just once), but if he still persists, then why not hire a professional fetish escort. If it’s a professional then there’s no chance of romance, only cash advance. Maybe this way he’ll get it out of his system or get tired of someone else getting it out of their system on him.

Hello Trinity,
My partner never wants to fool around when we first wake up. “It’s hard for me to get the feeling in the morning,” he says. How do I get him into the morning mood?
Morning Desires, Tucson, Ariz.

Hello Morning Desires,
I’m sure you’d never think of getting up before him, getting cleaned up, dressed up and preparing a little champagne breakfast just to seduce him, would you? Get the hint! (My cartoon will show you how to put the “ooh, la, la” into breakfast!)

Hey Trinity,
My boyfriend and I broke up five months ago. Now, it would’ve been our second year anniversary and I think about him all the time. How do I get him out of my head? Plus, what should I do with the pictures of us?
Memory Troubles, Utica, N.Y.

Hey Memory Troubles,
Being depressed over a breakup is depressing. Yet, did you know that depression created some of the world’s greatest art and music? So, don’t avoid your sadness, but, rather use it as inspiration. Now as for getting him out of your head, try staying busy with things like dating, cleaning, volunteering, exercising and traveling. Don’t give yourself time to get melancholy. Do give yourself time to love life. And, lastly, about those pictures — either hide them on the bottom, back of the hardest to reach place or toss ’em out which you’ll eventually do anyway!

To Trinity,
You’re such an advocate of dating. But, don’t you think that some people are just meant to be alone and not date?
Dating Excuses, Oklahoma City, Okla.

To Dating Excuses,
Yes, some people are meant to be alone only after they’ve dated everyone twice
and read:

Trinity’s Tough Excuses For Not Dating
1. “I’m waiting for my dream lover!” (Very Hollywood, but dating while you’re waiting makes a much better documentary.)
2. “I’m not settling for less than perfect!” (Very virtuous, but no one is perfect, including you. So loosen up and start dating!)
3. “Dating is too much work.” (Very couch potato, but living itself is work and what the hell else are you gonna do, watch
TV forever!)
4. “After my last relationship I’m done dating.” (Very post-war, but how boring to let your past relationships ruin your future ones.)
5. “No one could compare to my first love!” (Very cliche, but let someone at least try to snap you out of your fairy tale history.)
6. “I don’t have time to date!” (Very CEO, but just think of how much time and money you’ll save on loneliness therapy!)
7. “I’m still mourning the loss of my last lover.” (Very Greek tragedy, but when you’re done wearing black can you start wearing life again!)
8. “When it’s the right time it will happen!” (Very spiritual, but taking steps toward meeting other people will prove even more enlightening!”)
9. “I’m busy taking care of someone.” (Very Mother Teresa, but while you’re doing something for someone else also try doing something for yourself.)
10. Lastly, “Dating is too dissappointing!” (Very Van Gogh, but we must be the sum of our experience not the sum of our fears or failures!)

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio
drama, and now performs globally.

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