Dearest Trinity,
I’m moving out from a very dysfunctional relationship and there’s lots of drama. That’s why I’m leaving. But, I want to move out with the least amount of drama. Help?
Moving Drama, Austin, Texas

Dearest Moving Drama,
When it comes to “moving out,” there’s always drama and trauma. That’s why you must do it right the first time by getting all the help you need from the start, not when it’s too late. You must strategically plan your transition and you may even want a lawyer’s advice. Then, darling, once you’re out and have destroyed everything that reminds you of him or her, take a wonderful singles vacation somewhere intoxicating.

Hey Trinity,
My girlfriend freaks out and lectures me on my problem with being late. She’s obsessive about it. I try to be on time, but it’s not always possible. How can I win with her?
Late Again, Columbus, Ohio

Hey Late Again,
Being late naturally makes people upset, especially if you do it often. It also hints to other inconsistencies you may have that could add to your girlfriend’s frustrations. Yes, she should learn to love you while hating your lack of integrity (did I say that?). Now, I know you want me to say, “fix her,” but when it comes to lateness it’s you that’s missing the train? Sorry, pumpkin, but learn to be on time. (Practice some punctualilty by reading my cartoon right now for some timely advice.)

Dear Trinity,
I’ve been dating and sleeping with a military man. But, recently, I found out he’s a priest and aren’t priests supposed to be celibate. Should I be worried?
Celibate Date, Las Vegas, Nev.

Dear Celibate Date,
You should always be aware of dishonesty and careful of men in the military who leave on “foreign affairs.” However, you should also find out if he’s a non-celibate priest like Episcopalian or Protestant, as well as make a mental note that this may just be a passing fling. And, lastly, you should stay in the moment, sweetie, while having wild, exciting and exhausting sex, especially with our soldiers.

Dearest Trinity,
My roommate is on my case to “clean up” myself, especially when I go out on a date. He says, “Men have to make themselves attractive too!” Shouldn’t someone be attracted to me for who I am naturally?
Naturally Handsome, Trenton, N.J.

Dearest Naturally Handsome,
Of course, you should be yourself, but why not be your best self, your groomed self, your clean self. If women spend hours at the beauty parlor, men should spend some time too. So, honey, here are:

Trinity’s Preparatory Tips For Men Just Before Going Out Or On A Date
1. Clipping or pulling out your (visual) nose hairs makes looking at you less like looking at a zoo animal.
2. Trimming your eyebrows (especially the curly, runaway ones) means you’ll never force someone to remember Einstein or Mr. Hyde.
3. Shaving the hair off the back of your neck assures you’ll look younger and less prehistoric.
4. Getting rid of the hairs sprouting from your ears says, “I have a job. I have a mirror. And, I won’t eat you!”
5. Brushing and flossing before you go out keeps people from covering their mouth while talking to you.
6. Styling your hair or trimming your baldhead gives the idea that you’re not a lonely, introverted, unabomber.
7. Dyeing the gray, especially from your beard, takes an immediate 10 years off your life and your sexual history.
8. Manicures are not only healthy, but a sign of class.
9. Doing a few pre-date exercises, like, pushups, pull-ups, dips and curls, will give you an immediate shape, cut and curve.
10. Lastly, dressing in plaids, strips and polka dots, promises you’ll be hard to look at, yet do well at avoiding enemy attacks!

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

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