Dearest Trinity,

I hosted a party at my apartment so that my friends could meet my new boyfriend. But I messed up really bad, got really drunk, said really stupid things and ended up “making -out” with an old boyfriend in front of my new boyfriend, who is now really mad! Help!

Sincerely, Hosting Horrors   Boston, MA

Dearest Hosting Horrors,

Ouch! You did mess up in a really big, way…. but you may be able to fix this with a little time, Tylenol and two dozen roses. You may even be able to throw another party one day too. But first, let’s remember that when hosting a party with your new boyfriend: a) don’t invite your old boyfriends unless they’re with their special someone, b) don’t fight in front of others or spend too much time away from your new boyfriend, and c) for God(dess)’s sakes Honey, please don’t get drunk and kiss anyone in front of your new boyfriend!

Better luck next time, Trinity

Dear Trinity,

I was recently at a cocktail party where I was accused of upstaging everyone. Well, to be honest everyone was just so boring that I ended up talking all night. I like to talk and I’m funny. Is that so bad?

Yours, Cocktail Talk  Miami, FL

Dear Cocktail Talk,

Being the life of the party is wonderful but sucking the life out of a party is another story! As a great party goer always asks questions, invite others to dialogue with you and Sweetie, always watch out for cues for when to shut up. Sometimes when it’s all about you, you also have to remember to be all about… everyone else! 

Hey Trinity,

I went to my best friend’s dinner party. It was really great but I was the only person who didn’t bring something. I apologized but still, Trinity, when is it and isn’t it appropriate to bring something to a dinner party?

Yours truly, Dinner Doubts   Austin, TX        

Hey Dinner Doubts,

It’s ALWAYS appropriate to bring something to a dinner party! You can never go wrong with a gift! Now Pumpkin, I know you’re thinking, “But what if the host says don’t bother?” Well, maybe if they insist then and only then may you possibly get away with it BUT why not just bring a bottle of wine, some cookies or a thank you card! Hosts of parties always remember and invite back the guests who bring something. People who don’t leave a lasting impression don’t get lasting invitations.

Hello Trinity,

I’ll be throwing my very first party as someone who is newly single. However, my ex- used to do everything, and I just cleaned up. Now that I don’t have my ex around, I’m lost.

Thanks, Single And Hosting   Chicago, IL

Hello Single And Hosting,

Next time, before the divorce, grab your ex’s party planner instead of the J. Queen comforter set. So Darling, since it’s your first time and you want to start off on the right heel try: 

Trinity’s Uptown Tips For Hosting A Party

1. I know it’s your house, but put the sex books and toys AWAY!  

2. Serve yourself is fine, but cook yourself is unacceptable!

3. A party without background music is like a funeral with a punk band!

4. If dinner’s late, appetizers and drinks are MANDATORY!

5. Having to use a dirty bathroom as a guest is like having to use a rectal thermometer as a cocktail stirrer.  

6. Potluck hosts: You should never expect the guests to bring the main course or drinks.

7. “Does this cigarette bother you?” always means YES! All smokers including you, outside!

8. Anyone in high heel shoes always get invited to sit first!

9. A drunk and sloppy host promises an unforgettable finale to your party-hosting career!

10. And lastly, LOCK the humping dog(s) or shedding cat(s) in the bedroom!

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking” a weekly radio drama, performed globally and is now minister of WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings. Sponsored by: WIG Ministries, www.wigministries.org Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Send e-mails to: Trinity@telltrinity.com

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