You never know what strange things you’ll find when you snoop.

My girlfriend is away for several weeks, so I’m staying at her place, looking after the house and animals. While perusing her mail, I noticed a solicitation from Dr. Donald E. Wildmon of the American Family Association (AFA).

A lesbian receiving mail from the AFA is like a Jew receiving mail from the American Nazi Party.
Boy, I thought, did she get on the wrong list. Perhaps an angry ex wanted to do something more creative than key her car.

Then I noticed the letter was addressed to her mother. That explained it. When it comes to conservative Christian fervor, her mom makes Pat Robertson look like he’s faking.

The words printed on the front of the envelope guaranteed I’d take my snooping a step further. I had to open the envelope. I hope the U.S. Postal Service doesn’t hear about this.

Here are the words that hooked me: “If you are alive in 60 days, you will witness one of the most momentous days in America’s moral history.”

Were I the intended recipient, I’d be concerned. If I’m alive in 60 days? Does the AFA know something I don’t? I thought it was just indigestion.

I can think of only two possible explanations for the AFA choosing to question whether the recipient would be alive in 60 days. Perhaps the group’s membership is elderly and the AFA decided to be frank and rude. Or maybe the AFA folks, on principle, always allow for the possibility that the Rapture could alter the best-laid plans.

But of course it was the second part of the statement that had me ripping open the envelope. What did Donald Wildmon and his American Family Association consider one of the biggest days in America’s moral history?

I wish I’d guessed wrong, but the fellow is as predictable as Popeye with a can of spinach. It’s Election Day that Wildmon has in his sights, because that’s when Californians can undo their Supreme Court’s decision allowing same-sex marriage.

In his letter to the faithful — and nosy others — he lamented how the court “overruled both the ‘will of the people’ and the design of Almighty God.” He bemoaned how out-of-state gay couples marrying in California will unleash legal challenges all over the country.

In the most highlighted statement, he aimed to scare the dickens out of his supporters: “On November 4 — about three months from now — if we do not stop the drive to legalize marriage between homosexuals, that battle will be lost.”

As California goes, so goes the nation. That big sucking sound is the U.S. of A. going down the morality toilet.

What can citizens do to prevent the imminent demise of the Ty-D-Bol Man? “For the sake of your children and the future of our nation,” Wildmon knows precisely how Americans can help.

Californians will be voting on Proposition 8, a constitutional amendment forbidding gay marriage, and the AFA is producing a documentary called “Prop 8 and the Case Against Homosexual Marriage.” The organization wants to distribute the film to its California members and churches working to pass the ballot initiative.

“I’m counting on you to underwrite production and distribution costs of this documentary,” Wildmon wrote. That sounded a mite pushy to me, but when you consider that “it is crucial to our nation’s survival” that Prop 8 pass, how can I quibble?

On the payment slip accompanying the letter the AFA supporter commits both to help pass Prop 8 and to pray for the nation. Apparently doing just one isn’t an option.

As it happens, I feel like doing two things: promise my girlfriend no more snooping and add the letter to the recycling. America will benefit from both.

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