Being a pet owner sometimes feels like you’re the recipient of a Trojan Horse. In the beginning something new to you, or something unique, unusual and exciting shows up at your door.
Once you bring it inside, things don’t always end the way you want them to. It’s not the most pleasant of analogies, but for anyone who has cared for and loved a pet throughout their lifetime, you understand the meaning.
For some people it is not possible to come to terms with the shorter lifespan our canine and feline friends have. And unless you have a turtle or parrot for a pet, chances are likely you will outlive them.
In the LGBTQ+ community many of us don’t have children. In today’s world, that’s generally just because we choose not to. It’s not uncommon for heterosexuals to choose that same path.
While children are rewarding, they can be a huge responsibility some are simply not equipped for. So instead, we choose pets. And we can love them and create emotional bonds with them that are just as strong as our human family members and friends, and can last the lifetime — of your pet. For those of us who are human parents to standard cats and dogs and other pets that are relatively short-lived, the loss can be overwhelmingly painful. There’s a line from a poem, written by British Lord Alfred Tennyson in 1849 called “Memoriam A.H.H.” that – I think – sums up a pet owner’s experience quite accurately: “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”
For this writer that line hits home. I had a Feist named Betty that came from the Waxhaw Animal Shelter. I adopted her in 2006 and we remained constant companions until her death in 2022. Up until the last year of her life, Betty had seemingly glowing health. She had slowed down a bit and put on a few pounds, but nothing that wasn’t manageable.
I’ve written about this experience before in an OpEd for Qnotes and you’ll find a link in the related stories area below this article on our website, if you’d like to read more.
In short, Betty’s heart stopped twice during her final year and I revived her both times. She continued to have a vibrant quality of life, eating heartily like she always did, enjoying the occasional stroll and playing with other household pets now and then, but she slept a lot more. Regardless, she loved life and she didn’t want to go. Even in the very end that was the case, but I had to make that decision for her because I knew it was time.
And that’s one of the most difficult things to come to terms with: knowing when to let go and when that time is right.
In an effort to help those of us in our community dealing with the aging of our pets we reached out to Veterinarian Dr. Marguerite Straley, previously the owner of Freedom Animal Hospital and a longtime ally of the LGBTQ+ community.
She now serves as a relief vet throughout the Charlotte Metro area, and continues to enjoy her work.
“I think what’s important for the pet and the pet owner, is to make sure they get regular healthcare throughout their lives, but especially when they reach middle age,” Straley offers. “Annual dental care, tests, lab work. All of that is very important. The same preventive measures you do with humans is very similar to what you do for animals. It’s like an insurance policy.”
Straley became an LGBTQ+ ally in the Charlotte area through friends and employees actively involved in the community, and she understands the parent-like connection many people feel with their animal friends. “I try to do the best I can, for the pet and the client,” she explains.
Straley confirms that healthcare programs available for purchase, like what is available through companies like Healthy Paws, Pets Best, Banfield and others can help defray the cost of healthcare for your pet, and recommends them whole heartedly, especially for those on a set budget.
After years of experience working with pets in their golden years, she doesn’t hesitate to share her thoughts on the time to let go theory.
“It’s about quality of life,” says Straley. If your pet is still enjoying the world around them, and they’re still eating, you still have the opportunity to share quality time with them. It’s all bout eating, eating, eating. They live for that. If they’re not eating and you know they already have health issues because you’re working with a vet, It’s time. But it’s never eay. Sometimes I have to reassure people, sometimes I have to help people let go.”
Bella, Chris and Jacob
Chris Rudisill wears many hats. He’s the Director of the Charlotte Journalism Collaborative (CJC) and a regular contributor to Qnotes (he has helped build the newspaper’s website and secure journalism grants) and an active member of the Florida LGBTQ+ community when he called the area home.
His husband, Jacob Hamm, is the founder and CEO of ProHealthDesk, a practice management and consulting firm for behavioral health agencies across the country. In 2023 the two opened their own agency, Natura Behavioral Health, with four offices in Northeast Ohio. They divide their time between there and Charlotte, where they live with Bella, a cocker spaniel rescue they adopted in 2013.
Despite their busy schedules, they always make time for their much-loved senior pet.
“Bella was actually the second dog we adopted from a rescue [shelter] when living in St. Petersburg, [She] quickly became another member of the family,” Rudisill says. “She was also a rescue and we have this great picture of her, head out the window, hair blowing back, as we drove over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge heading back to St. Petersburg from Sarasota, Fla. We refer to it as her ‘freedom ride.’ We’re not completely sure of her previous circumstances, but know that they weren’t good. From what we gathered, she was kept in a crate 24/7 and used just as a breeding dog. We tend to spoil her because of it and she has had a much better life since.”
Ten years later, Rudisill and Hamm continue to make sure Bella has the best life possible.
“We’re not completely sure how old Bella is, but guess that she was one or two when we rescued her, making her 12 or 13 years old now. As she gets older, we have to contend with both dietary and mobility issues. She’s nearly blind now and can’t hear very well.
Rudisill says one of the biggest issues for Bella has been her mobility. A couple of years ago, she had a fall, which required surgery on her hip. Since then, her mobility has not been the same.
“We have a lot of stairs at home and she has trouble, especially going down. We often have to carry her now and some mornings we have to massage her legs a bit before taking her out.”
Both Hamm and Rudisill have come to deeply cherish the time they have with Bella. She doesn’t play much anymore and rarely wants to cuddle. But, she is happiest when she’s sleeping near their feet.
“We have to remember to just give her the space she needs and pay attention to the signs of aging to understand where we can help her. Bella is also starting to get dementia, so she sometimes seems confused. She also can’t see us if we walk away from her too far. So we make it a point to pet her and reassure her that we’re there. It seems to put her at ease.”
While they haven’t reached the point that Bella’s quality of life has diminished so much that a decision has to be made just yet, the two men are aware of what lies ahead.
“It is such a hard decision to let a dog go, but I think the thing to remember is that our job is to care for their best interest,” Rudisill explains. “I think it’s important to reach out to adoption organizations that might be able to help [or] talk to a vet you trust about what are the best options. It’s often hard to let a dog go, because we don’t want to say goodbye.”
